The liberal version of early SA history

This is a short synopsis of early SA history until it fell into the hands of Voortrekkers.

It is the year 1652.  News that have been doing the rounds in the Netherlands seem to suggest that there is a very advanced country on the Southern tip of Africa that needs to be explored.  With this in mind, Jan van Riebeeck departs for South Africa.

In April 1652 his ships are intercepted by a corvette from the Royal Zulu Navy of South Africa, under command of admiral Johannes Zuma the first.  Being an extremely friendly country, the navy escorts Van Riebeeck into Cape Town harbour, where King Joseph Zuma the first is waiting at a coffee shop to meet Van Riebeeck.  After checking that their documents were in order, they proceed to the coffee shop.

Van Riebeeck is pleasantly surprised to find King Zuma an extremely pleasant man.  Having fully expected to find Khoi and Hottentot in Cape Town, Van Riebeeck was caught a bit off-guard by the black King Zuma owning the country, but nonetheless, he was a pleasant enough fellow, so they had a good chat where they discussed everything from trade unions to the future energy needs of South Africa.

King Zuma was a very trusting person, and had no idea that Van Riebeeck was conspiring behind his back to steal the country and hand it to the Verwoerdians later.  In a gesture of goodwill, King Zuma
provided a stretch of land on the foreshore of Cape Town, right next to the Good Hope Centre that they regularly used for international festivals.  On this ground he allowed Van Riebeeck to build himself a compound including a bunker and firepool, which Van Riebeeck aptly named The Castle, in honour of the fact that he got it from a King.

Van Riebeeck being the untrustworthy white man that he is, was sending telexes to the Netherlands, and it was not long before Simon van der Stel arrived here on false pretences.  King Zuma being his friendly self, handed Simon a winefarm called Groot Constantia, on condition that they supply wine to the Zulu Royals, and that King Zuma gets a nice kickback from the sales, as he had been getting from the Guptas for the Platinum mines in the north.

Van Riebeeck was building a tunnel from underneath the Castle to Robbeneiland, with the help of a man called Nelson that he had been abusing for labour at the end of a gun.  Once the tunnel to Robbeneiland was completed, Van Riebeeck arranged with the Netherlands to keep sending more Dutch to South Africa, who were smuggled in via Robbeneiland using the tunnel.  They also smuggled in armory from the Netherlands.  Although their firearms were no match for King Zuma's Grippens, it would change the course of history forever.

Then came the terrible tragedy.  On a fateful night Van Riebeeck got his men together, and launched surprise attacks on every successful black business and black farm.  In the dead of the night they shot every black person on sight, not even sparing the children, except for those fit enough to be made slaves.  Since King Zuma was such a trusting person, his army was not ready, and Van Riebeeck's men advanced on Ysterplaat to destroy the Grippens.  They also managed to get into Wingfield, where not only they found armament, but also farming implements.  Shooting dead every black on sight in these surprise attacks, they soon had their hands on everything needed to turn Cape Town into a Dutch Colony.  Even Greenmarket Square, home of the blacks' market, fell into Van Riebeeck's hands.  The evil Van Riebeeck had no mercy, and soon the Cape Colony was cleared of all blacks.  Prior to this, every inch of land belonged to black families, but alas, they all died at the hands of the tyrant.

King Zuma in the meantime managed to get hold of the United Nations, and soon NATO was involved.  The NATO countries agreed that the United Kingdom will launch an attack on the Cape Colony, and soon the frigates and corvettes and U-boats started arriving.  Her Majesty's Navy quikly gained the upper hand over Van Riebeeck, and soon the Cape was in British hands.  King Zuma was ecstatic.  Bless his soul, the man could not see evil in anybody, and in a gesture of goodwill that was to become a Zuma trademark, he told the Brits they could keep the Cape Colony.

Unfortunately, some of Van Riebeeck's men managed to escape the prisons they were kept in, by bribing some of the black correctional services staff provided to the UK by King Zuma.   They stole some vehicles in the dead of the night, and started trekking North.  Using blackface, a trick they learned from some students from Potch, they were able to convince border control that they were part of King Zuma's clan, and so they managed to get through the Cape Colony border and into South Africa.

They followed the N1, and so as to not draw too much attention to themselves, even paid the toll fees.  Every farm they encountered on their way, they conquered, killing blacks on sight, and incinerating each and every item that future generations could have thought was artefacts of black ownership.  Up to today, nobody knows where those ashes are buried, but we know for a fact that it was true, that black people did own every piece of land.  Even the title deeds have been destroyed.

The marauders decided to call themselves the Voortrekkers, based on a badge they saw on a school blazer of one of the black children they killed.  They crossed every inch of land, outsmarting the much more advanced Royal Zulu Army with every move, North, South, East, West.  Even the railway lines at De Aar was conquered. 

As it is so often in life, the Voortrekkers became bored with killing blacks, so started playing darts and drinking instead.  This led to one barfight after the other, and eventually they all split up.  Piet Retief and his friends moved in the direction of Kwazulu Natal, where they eventually met a land owner called Dingaan.  Dingaan was the Commander of the Royal Zulu Army, but having been prewarned by King Zuma, Dingaan wore civil attire.  In an attempt to steal Dingaan's land, Retief and his men pretended to be estate agents looking to buy property.  Dingaan became friendly with them and arranged a party at his home for Retief and his men in the pretence of being willing to sell the property.  Once everybody was relaxed, the Royal Zulu Police tried to arrest Retief, and although they made every effort to save the life of Retief, he eventually died knocking his head against a pavement in the struggle to get free.  It was both a success and a tragedy for King Zuma.  He was relieved that at least some of the evil murderers have faced justice, but it also hurt him deeply that some lost their lives.  He arranged a state funeral for the deceased.

In the meantime another terrorist called Andries Pretorius heard of the death of Retief and his men.  He set up an army using stolen tanks and artillery and set up position at Bloodriver, from where he launched mortar and missile attacks on the Royal Zulu Army.  Unfortunately the good natured blacks had more advanced armament, but because they could not bear killing anyone, they made sure every missile from their launchers went overhead.  They thought they could just scare Pretorius into submission, and at the same time ask Pick n Pay and Landrover South Africa to stop sponsoring Pretorius.  This was a fatal flaw, and so the Royal Zulu Army was defeated, and South Africa fell into the hands of the evil Voortrekkers.